The Crank’s Cartoon Shout-outs

I am hereby naming this column “The Crank.” That’s because I’m cranky, I like bicycles, and a crank is the part of a bicycle that makes it move. With this in mind, I’d like to offer the following cartoon shout-outs.

This one goes out to the Mall of America and “American Boulevard” in Bloomington:

Put an American Flag on it

 

In a similar vein, this one goes out to all the big-box stores that are unreachable by walking or bicycle:

LEED Certified Buildings

 

This goes out to Republican climate science deniers, The American Enterprise Institute and ExxonMobil:

(No Exit) It's just a "Microclimatic Trend"

 

This one’s for all the vehicle donation programs whose clients are being killed by cars, like Kars4Kids. Cars kill kids, so I hope you’ll just crush all the cars you receive and recycle any usable materials!

The American Lung Association's Vehicle Donation Program

 

This goes out to my friends at “Citizens for Roads, Asphalt and Parking,” also known as “C.R.A.P.” …I love you guys!

Real Men Wash Dishes in Carwash

 

These cartoons are for the folks who think we’ll all be using self-driving, green cars in fifteen years. I have a case of beer betting against it, so you’re all invited over to my house for a drink (in fifteen years):

How Addicts Talk

We'll Believe Anything (If it helps us be lazy)

 

This one goes out to bicycle helmet-haters and cyclists who opposed Cleveland Avenue bike lanes out of “safety concerns”. For the love of non-motorized transportation, CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!?

Bicycle Helmet Advocates Versus Helmet Haters

 

Lastly, this one goes out to Polymet Mine Corporation, Glencore PLC, the DFL and the United Mine Workers of America. Why don’t we just give out the millions of dollars per year in eternal mitigation costs to unemployed mine workers, in quarter-million dollar increments? It’d be a lot less expensive.

Earthday in the Hospital

Was that cranky enough for you? Now that I’ve pissed off everyone, I’m outta here! See you in a couple weeks. 🙂


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6 Responses to The Crank’s Cartoon Shout-outs

  1. Matt Steele
    Matt Steele November 15, 2015 at 8:08 am #

    As much as I love REI, I love the WEI rip. Bloomington is such an insufferable place. I had to drive there for errands yesterday and it was frustration-to-the-max day. But then I got home, and later went to Nokomis Shoes (which actually has a fair amount of REI-ish wares) at the corner of 34th Ave and E 50th St, a short bike ride or long walk away from my home. And while I don’t get a dividend when I bought new shoes and wool socks, I’m not sure a dividend makes up for the brain pain involved with driving to Bloomington. -A fellow crank

    • Thomas Mercier November 16, 2015 at 2:19 pm #

      I’d contend that at least the Bloomington REI is easier to get to on bicycle, foot and/or mass transit than the Roseville or Maple Grove stores.

  2. Ken Avidor
    Ken Avidor November 15, 2015 at 8:37 am #

    Awesome toons. Andy at his cranky best.

  3. Kevin Gallatin November 17, 2015 at 8:26 am #

    Nice job Andy! I never connected my optimism about autonomous begging to addictive behavior! ?

    • Kevin Gallatin November 17, 2015 at 8:27 am #

      Uh, vehicles, not begging. Autocorrect.

  4. Nathanael December 1, 2015 at 12:02 pm #

    To answer the final question, the problem is Puritans.

    More specifically, we have this weird Puritan idea that people should only get money to live on if they *work*. So we can’t just buy off the unemployed mine workers (which is the *correct* thing to do) because people have this wacky Puritan reaction, this “they must be forced to work in order to get money” reaction.