Saint Paul Gives Up

Public Works closed some sidewalks before realizing they did not have jobs any more.

The city of Saint Paul recently announced that despite the upcoming Green Line, and planned renovations in the city’s “urban core”, the struggles of being a city were too much. In a surprising vote the City Council approved a measure to dissolve itself and put in place the framework for a township to replace the governance of the city.

“Sometimes things don’t go as planned”, an aide for now ex-mayor Chris Coleman said. “But we who were in the city’s offices believe that by removing the designation of city the area formerly known as Saint Paul may begin to thrive and prosper.”

The dissolution of the city also meant the removal of all zoning laws. Neighbors flooded into the streets to protest the increased density.

Area resident Paul Saintsman said, “I was worried about some small scale development, maybe ground floor retail with a few levels of apartments above. I was worried that without the city we would never be able to ensure that the apartments wouldn’t be able to be rented to anyone who rents an apartment. But then I remembered that the young millennials and empty nesters want to be close to happening areas, so that reassured me that no renters would want to move here anyways.”

Effects on other cities were varied, Minneapolis mayor Betsy Hodges is looking at annexing all of University Avenue to calm fears that Minneapolis doesn’t have enough Light Rail Stations.

“We’re thinking about annexing only the station platforms themselves”, Hodges said in a prepared statement. “I mean, we could annex more land, but who would want to? I mean, it’s Saint Paul…”

North Saint Paul, South Saint Paul, West Saint Paul and Saint Paul Park released a joint statement, containing concerns that their namesake city no longer exists.

“We presume the new name will be East Minneapolis, but come on, West East Minneapolis would just be ridiculous as a name”, a spokesperson for West Saint Paul said at a press conference.

When asked about the final reasons for Saint Paul’s dissolution Chris Coleman said, “The city council and I started reading streets.mn and we just found that our residents wanted the opposite of everything that the urbanist community thought would make an important city.”