Category: Humor

An Energetic Cost Analysis Diagram Concluding the Superiority of Saint Paul

Since the dawn of time, philosophers have debated whether Minneapolis is really as great as it thinks it is. With the assistance of cutting-edge IBM Thinkpad 230t supercomputers equipped with Wacom data analyzers, urban theorists have finally proven what those of the Silver City have always known: Saint Paul rules and Minneapolis drools. Enjoy that […]

The Alt-Bike Movement of St. Paul

I said, “We’re gonna make Saint Paul a world-class bicycling and walking city.” My slogan was “Get America Walking Again”!

St. Paul Announces Sweeping Transportation Policy Changes

Mayor Allcity announced that in light of our declared climate emergency, degrading city and resident finances, and public safety and health challenges brought about by car dependency, our streets and transportation systems will no longer prioritize private car drivers above all other transportation modes. Instead, people walking, biking, and rolling (hereafter simply referred to as “people”) will no longer be treated mostly as an afterthought by city planners and engineers and the safety and convenience of low-carbon, active transportation modes will be prioritized.

April Fools - Menards Living in Golden Valley, Minn

Menards Announces New “Live. Work. Save Big Money” Concept

Golden Valley, Minn — following in the footsteps of other lifestyle brands, Wisconsin-based Menard, Inc. has announced ambitious plans to expand its home improvement stores into mixed-use lifestyle centers. “Live. Work. Save Big Money.” is the co-living concept to integrate luxury apartments with everyday low prices on popular brands. Following market trends Although Menards Living […]

Saint Paul Floats New Libertarian Paving Policy

Faced with a cash-strapped Public Works budget, an endless supply of potholes, property tax unrest and a non-profit laden tax base, the City of Saint Paul is looking to a new policy approach to maintaining its streets. Using municipal technology grant from the Bloomberg Foundation, the city is set to debut a new road funding […]

April Fools - Margaret Anderson Kelliher in front of Shake Shack

MnDOT to Combat Dangerous Scourge of ‘Distracted Walking’ at Mall of America

April 1, Bloomington — The Minnesota Department of Transportation (MnDOT) has announced an exciting new effort in its campaign to fight the dangerous epidemic of distracted walking, by targeting one of the metro area’s most dangerous areas for distracted pedestrians: the Mall of America. “Distracted driving claims thousands of lives each year,” noted MnDOT Commissioner […]

Endangered Kenilworth Shark Another Hurdle for Light Rail Planners

The discovery of a rare subspecies of fish in the Lake of the Isles has created yet another challenge for the planners and engineers working on the long-planned extension of the Green Line light rail project into the southwest suburbs. Called the Minnesota lake shark, or selachimorpha calhounus, and once thought to be be extinct, […]

Neighbors Embrace New Oil Refinery for Ford Site

St. Paul, Minnesota — residents of the Highland Park neighborhood have been struggling for months against an outrageous proposal to redevelop the Ford Site with business, homes, and public green space. Today, Neighbors for a Livable St. Paul announced the results of their successful campaign to preserve neighborhood character. Instead of unsightly urban apartment homes, the industrial legacy […]

For Bde Maka Ska, a New Bridge to Honor a New Name

In an effort to boost accessibility and equity, Minneapolis Parks & Recreation Board has announced plans to bridge Lake Street across the north end of Lake Bde Maka Ska (also known as Lake Calhoun). The eight lane bridge is expected to be complete by summer of 2018, and is expected to save tens of thousands of motorists […]

“30 Days of Biking was Just a Prank” Admits Founder

“Why do you think I planned it for April Fool’s Day?” The question hung in the air like a dirigible during yesterday’s press conference in front of Stephen Patrickson’s Elk River apartment building, as the press and bicycling fans, many of whom were not wearing helmets, listened with dismay. According to Patrickson, the so-called “30 days of […]